Hair

Kay's guitar for sale...

Already having nightmares about what to wear on this ski holiday. I suppose if your father can find some new pegs for this guitar, it could make upwards of £9.99 on Ebay if I'm lucky... Then I'll be able to get some second-hand Jaeger earmuffs.

Bungalow Worries

Have you been watching Location Location Location? It's very good. Don't know why I'm ringing you. I've got to go to the doctor, the dentist, the vet and the beautician for my feet, but I just can't think which one to do first. I'm just run off my feet. The dog's swollen up, drinking all the time and weeing all the time. Plus, I can't cut my toenails anymore so I've got to go to the beautician to do it. And I'm still having nightmares about not selling the bungalow. Up at 4 o'clock in the morning. I'll have to replace the fitted wardrobes. See if I can get a man to get them out. And I don't know whether the roof needs mending or not. I just can't cope with the thought of it... Right, I've got to go. I've just had a Dulcolax.

I told you I was tired all the time

2014

2011
2010
1992
1982
1979

Hot

I can't come down to Stansted next week, I'm afraid, because I'm just too hot. I've tried telling the doctor, but he just doesn't believe me when I tell him I'm hot. I'm just hot all the time. HATT, plus plus plus. it's like going back to the PMT all over again. Pre-menstrual tension, menstrual tension, post-menstrual tension... There were only about 2 days of the month when I wasn't some kind of bloody menstrual. It's ridiculous. And it would take me two days to recover from the drive down to Stansted from Stoke as it is... And I'm never going to be able to sell these erotic Japanese statuettes at Dagfields - they're just too rude. So that's another waste of £65.

Moussa Koussa

What do you want to get another bloody cat for?

I shouldn't be worried about fashion at my age. And the upshot of it all is there's no way I'll make it to Stevenage on Saturday, I'm telling you now!

I've been worried sick about this bloody London Fashion Week

Bargain Hunt cameo appearance

Well, I wouldn't have paid £45 for that, so there's no way I'm bidding, Bargain Hunt or no Bargain Hunt. But then, they're a lower class of antique hunter than you get on Flog It! or Cash in the Attic, so what do you expect? I could have told them they'd make a loss on that rubbish...