Fleam

I don't know what's going on with this Chromebook. Every time I go on it, I keep getting your father's email. It's no good telling me to log it off. How?! I never used to have to log off the old one, but this one's just far too complicated. What do you mean, 'Control Shift Q'. That's just nonsense to me. There's nothing that says control anywhere that I can see. I'll just have to go back to my Tiscali.

Anyway, I've just sold a fleam. Misspelt it on the label with a 'ph', because I had 'phlegm' on the brain, but I changed it and it sold straight away. You don't know what that is, do you? It's for bloodletting. They're surprisingly popular in Stoke, fleams. Must be a bit of a bloodletting hotspot. Sold it to a tall man with tattoos and a shaved head. Made quite a good profit on it, anyway. Anyway, I've got another virus and it's knocked me out, so I'd better have a fag and go to bed...

Owl / mice

Oh, yes, I've remembered why I rang you. Your father's gone to bed so that he can go to Belgium at three in the morning for cigars, so I need help with this Chromebook. How do you send an attachment? I want to learn how to attach a photo to an email. I haven't taken the photo yet, but if you just tell me how to attach it, then I'll know. No, I can't see where it says 'Attach a file'. It's just all white boxes. Oh God! I can't use this touchpad. It's too sensitive. You think you've selected one thing and then all of a sudden you've placed a bid on a pressed glass ashtray on Ebay. I need a mouse. I need two mice. One for the old laptop and one for this Chromebook.  I can't do anything without mice. 

Anyway, this woman brought in a Capodimonte owl the other day. It's got sticky-out ears and it stares at you when you look at it. Can you find one on Ebay and tell me how much it's worth? What?! £280! That's ridiculous! I was going to put £15 on it. Well, that's just stupid American prices. There's no way anyone's going to pay that for it at Dagfields. There's a bloody recession on. The Capodimonte owl market's gone totally flat... 

This bloody Chromebook...

Well, how the hell am I supposed to know that you're not supposed to put the charger in the earphones socket? They're both round holes, aren't they, so how are you supposed to know the difference? Why you can't just get Chromebooks that stay plugged in all the time, I don't know. If I can't get to my Peter Wilson Auctions, I'll have a nervous breakdown. I can't even bloody print properly with this - it just keeps saying that it's being sent to a Cloud. I mean, what's that supposed to be? I'll just have to ask Sharon when she next comes round. I'm not asking your sister. I'm not talking to her. She said that I've never taken any interest in horses. Can you believe that? I spent half of my life up at those stables in the 1980s and we even had to sit there once for 5 hours when the battery went flat in the Saab. And then she accused me of only bring some Morrison's profiteroles for Christmas dinner last year. Can you believe it?! Anyway, how do you spell 'epiglottis' again?

First go on the Chromebook

I don't know how people manage to cope with new laptops. We've only had the other one for five years and now I've got to get used to this Chromebook. I'll be dead before I can work out how to use it, I'm telling you now. As long as it's got my Barclays, ebay, Peter Wilson and Louis Taylor's on it, that's all I care about. Everything else is just too much for me to handle at the moment, what with my spine.