London Fashion Week (reprise)

Quick, she's coming. Trip that Estonian up and grab the frock before Posh Spice gets her thieving hands on it...

Damn. Too late. JJ, you'll just have to make me another one. I need to have something new to go to the Christmas do at Slater's in, don't I? My navy blue Country Casuals skirt's getting a bit last season...

Ooh, I wish I was in East Anglia...

Look! Horses! Evie! They've got horses in East Anglia! Horses!!!

Abode

I'm trying to open up this attachment, only it keeps saying I need to install some Abode Flash thing. Abode? What's that supposed to mean? And I thought only cameras were meant to have a flash, not laptops. I just can't deal with this kind of thing. Not now and not with my stomach playing up like it is. I can barely stand up, let alone install some bloody Abode thing. All this modern technology and awful weather, I tell you, it just makes you want to go to Fuerteventura. I'll need a holiday after your father's been skiiing, what with this dog to look after all by myself. It's all I can do to keep him off the furniture, and then it'll be a week of getting up and down like a yoyo to let him out. So I'll definitely need a holiday by February. Did I say Fuerteventura? No, well, I meant North Wales...

A packet of cream crackers at the back of the fitted cupboard

Norovirus

Well, everybody in Stoke's got Norovirus now, including me, so that's bloody typical. There's vomiting left, right and centre. I thought it was that bag of liquorice I'd eaten, but it's definitely Norovirus, because everyone else has got it. I can't even get out to Dagfields, but then I can barely even get dressed, so they'll just have to do without me. And it's a pain, because I need to sell on these three clocks that I got at auction, because they just keep bonging off every hour, day and night. I tell you, I'll need a holiday after this. I would go skiing, only I can't ski anymore, so I'd just have to potter about on the nursery slopes. Plus, you just feel too conspicuous in a ski resort if you're short and fat. And then if you go with these budget airlines, they don't have any decent food and you end up right next to the toilets if you're not careful with queuing men's groins on eye level with you non-stop for two hours. I mean, I don't want to be confronted with an inundation of groins while I'm flying, do you?

Beswick rams

I'm shattered. I couldn't sleep last night with trying to think of places to go on holiday. I had to get up at 3 o'clock in the morning just to stop wracking my brains going through places I could go and in the end I just decided I don't want to go to any of them. That's the problem. I just don't know what I want. I was nearly in tears the other day in Marks and Spencers, because I'm constantly having to buy food so your father can have his dinner on the table by 6 o'clock on the dot, and I just couldn't find anything to buy. I thought, I could just run away and leave, but then, it's too near to Christmas and I've just got too much on. I've got this gym membership, for instance. I've got to go there at least once every 2 months otherwise it's a waste of the membership. And then there's Evie to look after. I had to have her from 7.30 the other evening because her mother had to go on a bloody horse.

Anyway, will you go on Ebay, because I've decided I really like Beswick rams. There was this one with nice curly horns which I bid on for £16 and then in the last two seconds, somebody beat me to it. Makes you sick. I don't know how I manage to keep going, I really don't.

Gravy bone?

Swine flu. You get no sympathy...

Skype

I was talking to this dealer from Altrincham the other day, who was really into cranberry ware marmelade dishes from the late 1840s and so I said to him, 'Ooh, I've got one of those. It's a bit on the chipped side, but nothing you wouldn't get away with on Flog It. I got it for £35 at Peter Wilson's, so I couldn't possibly let it go for anything less than £37. Shall we say 36?' And so he says to me, 'I haven't any cash on me at the moment. Can I skype you later instead?' Well, I was just flabbergasted. I thought, well, you've got a wife. What's wrong with her? Why can't you skype her? And I certainly wouldn't dream of being skyped by you, cranberry ware marmelade dish or no cranberry ware marmelade dish. Not at my age and not with this pelvis, I'll tell you that for nothing. The things people come out with. But then, that's Altrincham for you. More money than sense up there and too many hours in the day, that's their problem. They might be used to spending their time skyping from here to kingdom come, but I've got 4,000 individual dried flowers to price up and Evie to look after all weekend. I said to her, 'How about we go to the Monkey Park at Trentham?' She just said, 'The simian equivalent of the gulag? No thanks. Solzhenitsin might have appreciated the irony, but I'd much rather spend the afternoon with this apricot-flavoured Muller Lucky Star and Ant and Dec, if it's all the same to you.' There's no pleasing them, is there?

Youtube

Now that I'm on youtube, can you find out if there are any videos of Wade jugs in the shape of parakeets for me. I don't know how to find things on youtube yet. I've not got the time for internet searching, you know that. I've got all these people coming to view the house and the minute I get it tidy again for the next visit, it's all messed up with the dog's feet and Paul's clothes all over the place. You don't know what it's like. And now there's a new bathroom, I suppose that will be destroyed before we manage to sell the place. And your father's always on the balcony smoking his cigars. Why don't you go over to Belgium to get him some more? It's nearer for you, isn't it? If he doesn't have them, he just gets bored and then there'll be another bloody motorbike in the garage.