World of Pat ringtone

Chintzware plate

ROYAL MINTON OCTAGON PLATE Member ID5140william ( Feedback score of48) Item condition: Used Sale date: 25 Aug, 2010 Quantity: 1 Winning bid: £2.00

I'm in Crewe with your father buying another motorbike. You wouldn't believe it, would you? Another bloody motorbike. He's barely got one motorbike into the garage before he's swapping it for another one. Oh, and I've got to look after Evie all day tomorrow and then go and help out at Dagfields all day on Saturday, because they won't be able to cope without me on a Bank Holiday, so if you don't get up here quickly and help me get this single bed down to the tip and this kingsize mattress into the bungalow, I might as well just give up and drop dead on the spot. So I've just treated myself to a chintzware plate off Ebay. If you spot any more of these, buy them, because I've not got enough of them and I can easily get £2.50 for them, maybe even £3 if there are Koreans in and they aren't focussing on traditional pub furniture.

Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft...

I Hate Food

Recovering

I'm only just getting over Ibiza now. What with having to traipse up to the top of the cathedral and take two different taxi boats to Ibiza Town, I was exhausted by day three. And then they made me get on this lilo just so they could laugh at me.

Anyway, why aren't you watching Antiques Road Trip? It'll give you some ideas for what to buy. And don't say you don't like antiques. Nobody hates antiques. That's ridiculous! Anyway, if you see any puppets in boxes like these, buy them. Doesn't matter how much, just buy them an

d then I can sell them on. They go mad for these at Dagfields, I'm telling you now.

Technomuppet

Ibiza

The dog's been down to the cemetery with Paul to see your grandmother. I've not been down there for six months, but it's these bloody hot flushes. If I can get your father to get me some more oestrogen, I might be a bit more compos mentis, but the only conversation you ever get is about sudokus. If he asks you a question, it's only ever a cryptic clue.

Did I tell you I've bought £350 worth of antique glass at auction, only I've broken two ewers already. I'm not sure if it's getting old or these varifocals, but I just can't judge where the tops of things are. It's terrible.

And I don't know why I'm going to Ibiza. I must be mad. Guess who's booked flights which leave at 7am? It's alright for him, he's not permanently shattered...

Muppet Extreme Problem Solving (Carly Simon remix)

Dog Urine

I've been trying to plan a holiday, but it's just too stressful, so I just don't think I can bring myself to go anywhere. Everywhere you go, it's either too hot, the flight's too long or they don't speak proper English, so you might as well just stay at home. I mean, it's enough to send your blood pressure through the roof trying to get a decision out of Kirsty and besides, they want a beaches and bloody mountains to go running up, so where are you supposed to go for that? I think I'd rather just stay at home and look after Evie, only now she's lost her lipstick and eyeshadow in the shape of a mobile phone, so there'll be hell to pay if that doesn't turn up behind the settee.

I tell you, it's just easier to stay here and forget the idea of holidays, because then there's the dog who can't be left five minutes without needing to empty his bladder. Your father and I have spent the last 25 years mopping up dog urine. It's just a blessing that this floor's Amtico, that's all I'm saying.

That Manchester

They all have to be different up in That Manchester. It's not like Stoke where everybody's normal...