Dysarthria

Bed pan

Solitude

You don't know what it's like trying to cope when your father goes swanning off to Obergurgl every five minutes. I'm stuck here all on my own apart from the dog, and he's enough to drive you round the bend now that he's gone pretty much senile, climbing into my bed every five minutes and taking up half the space. I'm there teetering on the edge and the dog takes up the whole of the middle of the bed. It's not fair, I tell you. And it just throws you out of your routine when nobody else is around. I mean, your father normally puts the newspapers in the bin every day, but now he's not here, I've just got them piling up. I just can't be expected to deal with change, not at my age... And then there's bloody clock to deal with. I think it must be foreign or something. They have different numbers in Slovakia and places like that, don't they?

Gym Regime

Now it's the New Year, I've decided to go to the gym at least once a month, because I've just got to stop smoking and lose some of this flab. So they've shown me this exercise, only I don't know if it's just me, but every time I do it, I can see all these middle-aged men watching. Dirty buggers. I don't know what they think they're going to see anyway, because I'm head to toe in Lycra, so they might as well ogle a memory foam mattress. Anyway, I can't go tomorrow because it's pretty much martial law at Dagfields, what with all of these traders not pitching in when they're meant to, so I'll have to operate the bloody chip and pin machine and that's stressful enough at the best of times without having to contemplate the prospect of arousing the interest of every Tom, Dick and Harry at Fitness First. And besides, I can feel another virus coming on, so I'll just have to take it easy until February. See if you can pick me up a packet of Lambert and Butler Gold if you're going out, will you?

Snow

I can't deal with all of this snow. I had to ski to Dagfields yesterday...

"That" dress

Oh, well, I don't want it now that that Beckham woman's been wearing it. I don't care if it has been dry cleaned. Besides, she'll have stretched it right out of shape.

Here, Hilary, you try it...

London Fashion Week (reprise)

Quick, she's coming. Trip that Estonian up and grab the frock before Posh Spice gets her thieving hands on it...

Damn. Too late. JJ, you'll just have to make me another one. I need to have something new to go to the Christmas do at Slater's in, don't I? My navy blue Country Casuals skirt's getting a bit last season...

Ooh, I wish I was in East Anglia...

Look! Horses! Evie! They've got horses in East Anglia! Horses!!!

Abode

I'm trying to open up this attachment, only it keeps saying I need to install some Abode Flash thing. Abode? What's that supposed to mean? And I thought only cameras were meant to have a flash, not laptops. I just can't deal with this kind of thing. Not now and not with my stomach playing up like it is. I can barely stand up, let alone install some bloody Abode thing. All this modern technology and awful weather, I tell you, it just makes you want to go to Fuerteventura. I'll need a holiday after your father's been skiiing, what with this dog to look after all by myself. It's all I can do to keep him off the furniture, and then it'll be a week of getting up and down like a yoyo to let him out. So I'll definitely need a holiday by February. Did I say Fuerteventura? No, well, I meant North Wales...

A packet of cream crackers at the back of the fitted cupboard