Moussa Koussa

What do you want to get another bloody cat for?

I shouldn't be worried about fashion at my age. And the upshot of it all is there's no way I'll make it to Stevenage on Saturday, I'm telling you now!

I've been worried sick about this bloody London Fashion Week

Bargain Hunt cameo appearance

Well, I wouldn't have paid £45 for that, so there's no way I'm bidding, Bargain Hunt or no Bargain Hunt. But then, they're a lower class of antique hunter than you get on Flog It! or Cash in the Attic, so what do you expect? I could have told them they'd make a loss on that rubbish...

Christmas Newsletter

People have been asking if I would do a round up of 2010, but they don't seem to understand that I just don't have the time, not in this weather anyway. It's too cold to think. Anyway, I suppose I could do a brief run down on a month by month basis:

January - can't remember much, apart from that terrible virus that wiped me out completely. I will have had to cope on my own while everyone went swanning off skiing, I imagine. Seem to remember selling a jug and a gateleg table to somebody from Canada. Or was it Cannock? Same difference.

February - Possibly went to Fuerteventura, or that could have been March. Either way, it was too common, too hot and I got another virus. Laid up for weeks.

March - Still laid up from Fuerteventura, so had to limit visits to Dagfields to 4 per week. Koreans cleaned me out of pressed glass ashtrays again, so had to struggle out to Peter Wilson's auction rooms a couple of times to restock. Went to Wales, possibly, or it could have been Bury St Edmunds. Your memory doesn't work the same when you're my age.

April - Dreadful virus. Proper swine flu this time. Only managed to get into the bungalow to clean it four times, so it must have been bad.

May - Bid on a box-load of Crested Ware for £45 and managed to sell the lot for £47, so that helped cover some of the rent at Dagfields. All the other dealers leaving in droves because they can't make enough of a profit. They just haven't got the eye like me. Terrible cold.

June - Vomiting bug. Up and down to the bathroom all night like a yoyo. Nothing else happened.

July - Definitely went somewhere. It's on the tip of my tongue. I'm thinking it might have been France. Either that or Lanzarote, Marbella, Cyprus, Norfolk, Ireland or John Lewis in Manchester. It's these constant viruses that lead to geographical confusion. Not too bad this month though. Just the flu again.

August - Hot flushes again. Sweltering all night. This is the problem with the summer. You can never work out if it's the weather or the menopause.

September - Spent most of the time worrying about Julian's fashion show. Needn't have worried. It all went very well in the end and all of the models even made it to the end of the catwalk alive.

October - Flu back with a vengeance. Was lucky to see the month out. You don't get any sympathy though. Still, at least all these viruses must mean my immune system is one of the most varied and interesting you can possibly have. Have now officially reached antique capacity at home. Not one surface is unoccupied by a Caithness paperweight or a Beswick pig. Will need to look into renting another unit at Dagfields. Or another house.

November - Not speaking to Kirsty. Screamed at me because I said I couldn't look after Evie on my Dagfields day. Evie just said, 'I don't think this shrill, dysfunctional aggression that arises every time the issue of my childcare needs to be addressed is particularly productive. Can you not just try to moderate your language a little? I'm trying to watch Mamma Mia.' She is funny. Oh, and now I've completely forgotten how to cook. Can't even remember how to do mashed potato any more. The only thing I've managed to do recently is boil an onion. That was quite successful, but the rest's a disaster. And now the U-bend of the sink's clogged with shepherd's pie. I just want to give up.

December - This weather's just ridiculous. How are you supposed to run an antiques unit in sub zero temperatures? None of the other dealers understand. They always just leave me to do Saturdays on my own and with my viruses as well. Anyway, where can I put these figurines I just got at Peter Wilson of a camp boy flautist and a dog with a suspicious interest in a flapper girl's crotch?

Oh and have a good Christmas if you can. You'll probably get this virus that's going around, but just go to bed with some paracetamol and you should be OK. That's what I'll be doing anyway.

My latest style guru

I'm turning over a new leaf, fashion-wise. I mean, Country Casuals and Jaeger just aren't what they used to be, so I'll be getting Rhiannon from Hull to be designing next season's holiday wear for me. I'm sure she'll be able to run up something practical and stylish for me in time for the next London Fashion Week, which I can also take to the static caravan in Tal-y-Bont. I mean, Rhiannon sounds like a Welsh name, so she should know what she's doing.

Anyway, I'm never going to Fuerteventura again, not with this cold I've come back with. It wouldn't be so bad, but they just put cups of hot milk in front of you with a tea bag floating in it and expect you to drink it. It's no wonder you come back ill. Plus it's 30 degrees in October, which is just bloody ridiculous. Never again. I don't suppose you're going anywhere for half-term. Why don't you go to Hackney Wick and put up JJ's shelves? What do you mean, sod off?

Auction agony

I'm totally stressed out after having to sit right through to the end of this auction yesterday. Either that or I'm stressed out because of JJ's fashion show, but either way, I'm not sleeping properly. Anyway, at this auction, I tried to bid on two very old prams, but they went for £110, so I had to sit around waiting for three hours until a pine console table came up instead. So I got that, oh, and two Staffordshire dogs and a marble bust. And now I don't know how much to put on it. How much would you put on a marble bust? It's not as if you see that many of them around to compare with.

Anyway, how far is this fashion show from Euston, because there's no way I can walk for longer than 5 minutes. Not in high heels. I'm exhausted enough with the hoovering. I mean, I can't even lift the Henry these days. At least we've booked a week in Fuerteventura, so I'll be able to have a lie-in...

World of Pat ringtone

Chintzware plate

ROYAL MINTON OCTAGON PLATE Member ID5140william ( Feedback score of48) Item condition: Used Sale date: 25 Aug, 2010 Quantity: 1 Winning bid: £2.00

I'm in Crewe with your father buying another motorbike. You wouldn't believe it, would you? Another bloody motorbike. He's barely got one motorbike into the garage before he's swapping it for another one. Oh, and I've got to look after Evie all day tomorrow and then go and help out at Dagfields all day on Saturday, because they won't be able to cope without me on a Bank Holiday, so if you don't get up here quickly and help me get this single bed down to the tip and this kingsize mattress into the bungalow, I might as well just give up and drop dead on the spot. So I've just treated myself to a chintzware plate off Ebay. If you spot any more of these, buy them, because I've not got enough of them and I can easily get £2.50 for them, maybe even £3 if there are Koreans in and they aren't focussing on traditional pub furniture.

Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft...