Michael Jackson

Oh, I haven't got time to worry about Michael Jackson. I'm in enough pain as it is. And I've got to bid on these Beswick Guernsey cows tomorrow. You don't understand how stressful it is trying to bid on things in auctions. I usually get palpitations. If Michael Jackson had to go and put bids in at the General Household and Victoriana sale every five minutes, he wouldn't have made it to 40, let alone 50. Get me a cup of tea, before I pass out.

Cat figurine

What? The Lacy Scott Auction catalogue has just gone live? Well, will you look on it for me and see if they've got a Winstanley glazed pottery cat in seated pose? I can't go online myself, because I've had Carol round all afternoon and I'm just too shattered from talking. Now, if it's a tabby or a black and white one, then it's not worth very much, because the Winstanley factory made millions of them. But if it's a Siamese cat, then it's worth at least £60, only it's got to have blue eyes and be in the seated pose. They do them in 'curled up asleep', 'stretching langorously' or 'batting playfully at an imaginary bird', but those models are not so valuable, because they're just a little bit too common really. And if they've got greenish eyes, it means that they're just cheap seconds and I've had my fingers burnt with a few of those in my time, I can tell you. So... if they've got a blue eyed Siamese Winstanley glazed pottery cat in seated pose, can you put in an email bid for £15 and see what happens? Then on the day, you can telephone bid it up to 40 if necessary, but anything more than that, just walk away. I've got to make my profit. Basil! Stop following me around. I'll have a nervous breakdown in a minute!

Lacy Scott Auctions

Right, now I'm going to Lacy Scott's on Saturday to bid on some things, so will you go on their website and find out what lots they've got on and let me know? I can't go online myself, because I've got Evie all evening and your father's gone out on his bike to Belgium and won't be back till 11 at the earliest, so I've had to get the dinner sorted and now I'm just shattered and I haven't managed to even stop and have a cigarette for an hour. Now, you see this picture of a teapot in the shape of a thatched cottage? I've got one of those on my unit and I want to know if it was made in Normacot around 1938 by Johnson's, because if it was, it'll be worth at least £40. And if they've got one of those, can you see if they've got the matching sugar bowl in the shape of a garden shed and the milk jug in the shape of an outside toilet, because if I can get the full set, then we're talking upwards of £100, easily, possibly more if I can get the Korean buyers interested. So will you do that for me? Hang on a minute. Evie! Stop watching Newsnight and get to bed!

Wild Beasts

Wild Beasts

Wild Beasts? Is that one of these groups that you like? What are they going on about? It's just 'hooting and howling, hooting and howling'. What's that supposed to mean? It's just nonsense! Turn it down! My nerves are shattered enough as it is. Why do you always have to have your music on in the car? I want Dolly Parton. If you can't find Dolly Parton, then Randy Crawford will do, but I'm not having any more of these Wild Beasts, I'm telling you now.

Fashion

http://www.julianjsmith.co.uk/

Julian! You'd better not have chopped up my vintage 60s polka dot mini dress to make that gimp suit! I'll bloody well strangle you if you have. That could be worth £30 on Ebay!

And I was wondering where my Laura Ashley gold brocade vase coasters had gone, you cheeky sod....

Double Glazing

I tell you, if I ever have to have anyone in to do double glazing again, I think I'd just rather shoot myself. The mess is just horrendous. And the thing is, these men just don't understand about carpets. No matter how many times you try to put down protective sheeting, they still manage to kick it aside and put boot prints everywhere. I must have been hoovering for an hour now and my lumbar region just can't take that kind of impact. And I tell you another thing, there's not to be any more parties in this house. The last time there was a party, the whole place was virtually destroyed. Why do people need to be so rough with the furniture, that's what I want to know. And you'd better tell Christopher he's not to come up here and start breaking things either. I've only just had this hallway wallpapered. Why haven't you wiped down these kitchen surfaces?

I was out at Dagfields yesterday with Evie and we were looking at an Edwardian tortoiseshell shaving set, and you'll never guess what she said. She said, "Nanny Pat, do you not find that this whole place just seems to be an absurdist microcosm of modern society? Does the futility of it all not overwhelm you? All these people engaged in a capitalist merry-go-round of exchange and barter, but to what ultimate end? I'm beginning to think that perhaps Sartre was right after all..."
She is funny. I just said to her, "Look, Evie, I've not got time to worry about capitalism now. This Moorcroft cheese dish needs wiping over and pricing up. Then why don't we get you a Mini Milk? Carol! Carol! If you're going over, will you get Evie a Mini Milk and I'll have a Mivvi? Take the money out of the cash I got for that Welsh elm console table. I can't possibly go myself. My symphisis pubis has pretty much disintegrated after Vaughn made me walk round that golf course in Dolgellau."

Hallstand

Ooh, the new Willingham auctions catalogue is out!

http://www.willinghamauctions.com/

I can't possibly go, because of my knees, but will you go and see how much the Arts and Crafts oak hallstand goes for? I'm just interested, you see. And if you can look on Ebay for me and see if there are any other Arts and Crafts oak hallstands on there, let me know what they go for, because your Auntie Rita had one of those and she let it go to a gypsy from Rocester for £2.50 and a bag of horse manure in 1987. It's enough to make you weep!

Feet

I tell you, I thought my feet were going to drop off yesterday, I had to walk so far. Seriously, I was walking like a woman of 90. I had to stop and go into John Lewis to buy some with less of a heel on them.  Must have walked at least a mile around Liverpool city centre with Evie. It reminded me of the Sixties when me and Florence used to go to the Crystal in platforms and share a Cherry B, which would last us all night. I've never been in such agony.

I'm never going on holiday again. You don't know what it's like having to drive 2 hours to North Wales. I'm just too old to do that kind of thing. It's alright for you younger people, you don't have disintegrating pelvises like me. And your father just wants to sit there smoking cigars all the time and then goes to play golf, so I'm all on my own. And you can't get decent antiques in North Wales any more. All these Koreans have come over and bought them all. You're lucky if you can lay your hands on a slightly incomplete Macedonian pressed glass cruet set...

YouTube - Cassetteboy vs The Bloody Apprentice

Ooh, Alan Sugar. I quite like him. He would never be horrible to his wife. He would take her to Tenerife at least 4 times a year. Have you let the dog out?