I tell you, this is riduculous. I've had more hot flushes today than a Japanese toilet.

Telegraph Crossword

I'm stuck on this one:

He started badly, becoming exhausted (9)

I've had another virus and Evie all day, so I'm just too shattered to work it out for myself...

Wade Whimsies

Ooh, Wade Whimsies! I love Wade Whimsies! What's the lot number? Lot 1307. Right, can go to Willingham Auctions and put a bid in for me? How much? Oh, anything between £35 and £36 should be fine. Don't go to £37 though, because I'll need to make my profit. I should get £2 each for them, so that's £40. £4 clear profit, you see, if you can get them for £36. That's 10%. And I'll go halves on the profit, so that's £2 for you. £2, and all you have to do is go to Willingham Auctions, buy them, individually pack them in bubble wrap and drive them up to Stoke... Well, I'll give you £3, then... That's all I can afford at the moment because I can't get anywhere near the bank with these hot flushes I keep having... Evie! Stop listening to that Tchaikovsky and eat your Monster Munch!

Car Boot Sale

I've got a car boot sale on tomorrow with Carol, only it looks like rain and I'll have to get up at 7, so it'll just kill me. I mean, I shouldn't have to do all this work when I've just had the entire bungalow double-glazed. It's taken me two weeks to get it back to some kind of order, but it's still not as nice as it was when I was living there. It's just not got that sparkly finish any more now that it's just men living there. Men don't dust like women do, let alone wipe over the window sills.

And I was out from 12 till 7 on Wednesday at Trentham Gardens talking, so Thursday I couldn't get up virtually, I was that exhausted, but I had to struggle on at Dagfields all day. I tell you, I can't do 4 days a month anymore. It's just killing me. And now I've been given this picture of a semi-naked man with something written in Italian on the bottom of it to try and sell. It's what I'd call very gay, but maybe somebody will give me £20 for it.

You should come up here and help me sell some of these plates on Ebay. You know I don't know how to do it. No, I can't email you a picture because I don't know how to email either. And I can't do these attachments. What are they all about? How do you attach something to an email? I mean, how does it fit? I could work it out if i had an hour or two, I imagine, but I'm just too busy. So just come up to Stoke and help me with this ebaying. You can sleep on the double blow-up thing, because Kirsty hasn't got any beds yet. It'll be fine.

Swine Flu

I don't think I'll be around much longer, what with all this Swine Flu going round. I've had eleven viruses already this year, so I'm bound to get this one and that will be it. So can you put bid on this Lustre Ware jug for me on Ebay, because I don't want to risk touching a keyboard. I'll go up to £12 but if it goes higher than that, you'll need to ring me up so I can tell you what to do. And don't tell me you'll be at work or in Croatia or somewhere, because you're never that busy and anyone can take a few hours off to monitor the bidding progress of a Lustre Ware jug on Ebay. It's not like you've got anything more important to do, is it?