Pair of Staffordshire Dogs

I'm just trying to label up some of these things that your father's fetched for me from Peter Wilson's. Should this be a 'SMALL PAIR OF STAFFORDSHIRE DOGS' or a 'PAIR OF SMALL STAFFORDSHIRE DOGS'? I'm so addled these days, I can't work out where adjectives need to go. I think it must be because of the duvet turmoil. Your father's always cold and wants the 12.5 tog one on. I'm too hot because of the memory foam, so I only want the 4.5 tog. I might just have to get a mattress topper to sort it all out, only the bed's already so high that I have to jump to get in. I'd ask Mary for advice, only you can't ring her up if the rugby or The Archers is on, so there aren't that many windows of opportunity. Anyway, I'm going to take up watercolour painting, so go on the Google and see if there are any art shops left anywhere, because I can't bloody well find any.

Macarena 2015 (Stoke-on-Trent remix)

Tantamount to Abuse of the Elderly

Cadbury Twirl Withdrawal

I don’t know whether I’m coming or going at the moment. I was so hungry the yesterday, that I had to go over and take a biscuit that was meant to be for some stroke patients. They just looked at me, but I had to take one. I’d only had a Scotch egg all day and I was about to faint. It’s all because your father’s stopped buying my usual Cadbury Twirls and I’m having withdrawal. He goes to Lidl and gets these foreign things, but they’re just not the same. He said he’d bought me a treat the other day and it turned out to be a bottle of bleach. I mean, what can you do?

So I’ve had to go to Tesco myself and now I’ve got myself set up for the week with six Twirls.

And I’ve not slept properly, because there was a police helicopter hovering over the garden for half an hour last night and policemen chasing a criminal through the garden. It’s shook me right up. And your father just lies there in bed reading. Can you believe it? And to cap it all, someone went on Tripadvisor and said that there are no antiques at Dagfields. They’ve obviously not been to my unit. I was incensed. I ought to post a reply, but I’m too bloody exhausted.