Somewhere that begins with 'Ll...'

Having a very stressful day. Kirsty has made me come to somewhere in Wales for this horse show. I've no idea where, but it begins with a double L and it's near Oswestry. And now I'm stood here looking after the horse, the dog and Evie. It's not on. I can't even go to the toilet because I can't leave the horse and I'm stressed up to the nines after the journey. I mean, you can't reverse with a horsebox, you know. So we've had to drive over the pavement and all sorts. Added to that, Michael's gone out on a bike ride and your father's out playing golf with Paul and he's asked me to babysit Robbie the dog as well. I mean, I can't babysit that dog, this dog, a gifted child and a bloody horse, can I? It's ridiculous. I don't know whether I'm coming or going. People just use you for their own ends, is what I think. Your father's no use, either. We took that reproduction oak court cupboard out to Dagfields the other day, and you've never seen such a rigmarole to move the thing. Moving furniture's just not in your father's meaning structure. So, by way of relaxation, I'm just trying to teach Evie knitting with some wool I brought back from Portugal...

If I die in the next two weeks...

...make sure the undertaker doesn't cremate me with my gold teeth in. They must be worth at least £400, so you can all go out for a meal on my fillings. Kirsty's getting the rest of the jewellery, Julian can have the clothes and you can have the mule chest. You're an executor, you know, so you're not to just give away the antiques to  the Salvation Army, do you hear? I think it's Portugal that's nearly killed me. It was far too hot. 25 degrees at least. I just can't cope with that kind of heat any more. Not with my blood pressure being sky high all the time. And I can't cope with the airports. Or the airlines. Or the air hostesses. Or the food. Or the language. Or the money. Or the smoking bans left, right and centre. Or the lack of decent antiques. I just pine for Dagfields, that's the problem. They don't know a Regency Davenport from a drop-leaf washstand with barley-twist legs, the Portuguese.