"That" dress

Oh, well, I don't want it now that that Beckham woman's been wearing it. I don't care if it has been dry cleaned. Besides, she'll have stretched it right out of shape.

Here, Hilary, you try it...

London Fashion Week (reprise)

Quick, she's coming. Trip that Estonian up and grab the frock before Posh Spice gets her thieving hands on it...

Damn. Too late. JJ, you'll just have to make me another one. I need to have something new to go to the Christmas do at Slater's in, don't I? My navy blue Country Casuals skirt's getting a bit last season...

Ooh, I wish I was in East Anglia...

Look! Horses! Evie! They've got horses in East Anglia! Horses!!!

Abode

I'm trying to open up this attachment, only it keeps saying I need to install some Abode Flash thing. Abode? What's that supposed to mean? And I thought only cameras were meant to have a flash, not laptops. I just can't deal with this kind of thing. Not now and not with my stomach playing up like it is. I can barely stand up, let alone install some bloody Abode thing. All this modern technology and awful weather, I tell you, it just makes you want to go to Fuerteventura. I'll need a holiday after your father's been skiiing, what with this dog to look after all by myself. It's all I can do to keep him off the furniture, and then it'll be a week of getting up and down like a yoyo to let him out. So I'll definitely need a holiday by February. Did I say Fuerteventura? No, well, I meant North Wales...

A packet of cream crackers at the back of the fitted cupboard

Norovirus

Well, everybody in Stoke's got Norovirus now, including me, so that's bloody typical. There's vomiting left, right and centre. I thought it was that bag of liquorice I'd eaten, but it's definitely Norovirus, because everyone else has got it. I can't even get out to Dagfields, but then I can barely even get dressed, so they'll just have to do without me. And it's a pain, because I need to sell on these three clocks that I got at auction, because they just keep bonging off every hour, day and night. I tell you, I'll need a holiday after this. I would go skiing, only I can't ski anymore, so I'd just have to potter about on the nursery slopes. Plus, you just feel too conspicuous in a ski resort if you're short and fat. And then if you go with these budget airlines, they don't have any decent food and you end up right next to the toilets if you're not careful with queuing men's groins on eye level with you non-stop for two hours. I mean, I don't want to be confronted with an inundation of groins while I'm flying, do you?