Croatia? What do you want to go there for?

The majesty of the landscape? You can get all of that if you rent a static caravan in Abersoch. I wouldn't be able to communicate with anyone in Croatia, besides. When I go to Lanzarote, I can say Gracias, but you can't expect me to learn the Croatian word for Gracias, not at my age. I've just been virtually bed-ridden for two weeks with this virus and I've only been able to get out to Dagfields 8 times, so I'll be run off my feet until October now, I suppose, so I haven't the time to even think about holidays. I've got to shift these bloody teapots. Why won't anyone buy this rabbit-shaped one? I just don't understand it. Wouldn't you want that on your breakfast table every morning? I would.

On my last legs...

Will you check what these Matchbox stunt cars are worth on Ebay, because I may not be here in a couple of days. I reckon it's turned into bronchitis and I'm just burning up all the time. I feel that bad, I had to go out and spend £350 on clothes yesterday, just to try and make myself feel better.
But everyone's dying at the moment. You get to my age and it just starts happening all around you. You're lucky. You don't have to think about death at your age. But your father keeps spending money like it's water, so I'm going to have to talk to you about this bond I've got. And the unit at Dagfields should be easy to clear out when I'm gone, because I've managed to shift a lot of stock the past couple of weeks. I've got this Bullnose Morris Cowley and I'm sure I can get at least £50 for it, because I've seen a similar one go for that price just last week, only that was in a box, you see, so it could be worth less, I just don't know. You could look that up for me.
So anyway, I've got to start thinking about what hymns I want when I’m buried. I know what I don't want. All Things Bright and Beautiful. I mean, what's all that about? Animals. What's that got to do with death? The problem is, I'm more of a pop person than a hymn person, so to be perfectly honest, I'd sooner have You Never Walk Alone, I Want to Break Free by Queen and just anything by Elvis, really. Oh, and Memory by Barbra Streisand. I like that. The problem is, I'm just too exhausted to write anything down, so I'll just forget all this and then I'll be back to square one. I haven’t even read an antique book today, which is bad news.

Decisions

Thank God they've all gone! I just can't cope when everyone descends on Stoke for the weekend. It wouldn't be so bad if you're father would help out, but he just goes out on his motorbike and I'm left to decide who has to sleep where. It's just exhausting having to make all these decisions. I've got Sean asking me whether I want fried eggs or scrambled eggs one minute and then I've got to work out what clothes to put on the next. How are you supposed to cope with all of this stress? I mean, I can't decide what kind of eggs I want, can I? Not with all these hot flushes and what with trying to keep the bungalow clean and free of vomit. It wouldn't be so bad if that physio on my hair had worked last month, but it's been three weeks now and it's still limp and got no body... I think I'm just going to cry and be done with it.

Skiing in Obergurgl

I don't know how you expect me to be able to work this modern technology. I can barely keep my eyes open today, and it's only the chronic pain in my hips that's preventing me from slipping into a coma. You'd better not expect me to get on that chair lift this afternoon, I'm telling you now. And you'd better not vomit all over that chalet tonight. I know what you young people are like.

Why's everything all sideways?

I tell you, this is riduculous. I've had more hot flushes today than a Japanese toilet.

Telegraph Crossword

I'm stuck on this one:

He started badly, becoming exhausted (9)

I've had another virus and Evie all day, so I'm just too shattered to work it out for myself...

Wade Whimsies

Ooh, Wade Whimsies! I love Wade Whimsies! What's the lot number? Lot 1307. Right, can go to Willingham Auctions and put a bid in for me? How much? Oh, anything between £35 and £36 should be fine. Don't go to £37 though, because I'll need to make my profit. I should get £2 each for them, so that's £40. £4 clear profit, you see, if you can get them for £36. That's 10%. And I'll go halves on the profit, so that's £2 for you. £2, and all you have to do is go to Willingham Auctions, buy them, individually pack them in bubble wrap and drive them up to Stoke... Well, I'll give you £3, then... That's all I can afford at the moment because I can't get anywhere near the bank with these hot flushes I keep having... Evie! Stop listening to that Tchaikovsky and eat your Monster Munch!

Car Boot Sale

I've got a car boot sale on tomorrow with Carol, only it looks like rain and I'll have to get up at 7, so it'll just kill me. I mean, I shouldn't have to do all this work when I've just had the entire bungalow double-glazed. It's taken me two weeks to get it back to some kind of order, but it's still not as nice as it was when I was living there. It's just not got that sparkly finish any more now that it's just men living there. Men don't dust like women do, let alone wipe over the window sills.

And I was out from 12 till 7 on Wednesday at Trentham Gardens talking, so Thursday I couldn't get up virtually, I was that exhausted, but I had to struggle on at Dagfields all day. I tell you, I can't do 4 days a month anymore. It's just killing me. And now I've been given this picture of a semi-naked man with something written in Italian on the bottom of it to try and sell. It's what I'd call very gay, but maybe somebody will give me £20 for it.

You should come up here and help me sell some of these plates on Ebay. You know I don't know how to do it. No, I can't email you a picture because I don't know how to email either. And I can't do these attachments. What are they all about? How do you attach something to an email? I mean, how does it fit? I could work it out if i had an hour or two, I imagine, but I'm just too busy. So just come up to Stoke and help me with this ebaying. You can sleep on the double blow-up thing, because Kirsty hasn't got any beds yet. It'll be fine.

Swine Flu

I don't think I'll be around much longer, what with all this Swine Flu going round. I've had eleven viruses already this year, so I'm bound to get this one and that will be it. So can you put bid on this Lustre Ware jug for me on Ebay, because I don't want to risk touching a keyboard. I'll go up to £12 but if it goes higher than that, you'll need to ring me up so I can tell you what to do. And don't tell me you'll be at work or in Croatia or somewhere, because you're never that busy and anyone can take a few hours off to monitor the bidding progress of a Lustre Ware jug on Ebay. It's not like you've got anything more important to do, is it?